Friday, July 27, 2012

Bun Notice

My name is Rosanne Catalano. I used to have a life, until… 

“We’ve got a positive test on you. You’re pregnant.” 

When you’re a parent, you’ve got nothing: no cash, no time, no job history. You’re stuck in whatever city you decided to get knocked up in. You clean whatever shit comes your way. You rely on anyone who’s still talking to you: your equally fried mom friends; an old friend who used to party with you; family, too—if you’re desperate. And the down and out spouse you married along the way. 

Bottom line: As long as you’re a parent, you’re not going anywhere.

When you’re a parent, even the simplest operations require detailed planning. A well-equipped go-bag can be a huge asset, but human variables can create insurmountable obstacles.

Little A., Human Variable
There are several options for dealing with the human variables: force, avoidance, and bribery. Force can be crude and isn’t the most reliable method. And you can only work the avoidance angle for so long, so it usually comes down to bribery.

The Bribe
In parenting, you often run into a mark who thinks she knows more than you. This can put a serious hitch in your operation unless you nip it in the bud.

Know-It-All Mark
Everyone has a favorite technique for nipping things in the bud, but it usually comes down to bribery.
Bribed Mark
New parents frequently attempt to plan escapes. More experienced parents realize these operations have a very low success rate. If you have to plan an escape—like, for example, when your sanity is absolutely on the line—the best option is to have a well-trained extraction team.

Well-Trained Extraction Team

You still may not get away clean, but that will give you your best chance.

Really, I’d like to give a shout-out to all my fellow parental operatives out there, especially all the awesome moms I know, who really keep me going. And I owe so much to all the extraction teams who offer us a chance to breathe—our great stake-out artists (sitters) and our family, whether or not we're desperate. Most of all, thanks to my husband, the best partner/arms dealer a girl could ask for.

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