Today, if you had asked me, “How are you?” I would have said, “Fine.”
And that would have been the “Fine” that starts with “F” which rhymes with “Eff” as in “Effin’ Horrible.”
Then you might have said, “What’s wrong?” And I would have said, “NOTHing.”
And that’s the “NOTHing” that definitely means “Something.”
It was a pretty busy, rotten day and I’m not kidding. But it peaked at carline. Here’s a transcript of an actual text conversation between Big A. and myself, after I drove home from school with my odiferous son in the car and found a little surprise in the bathroom.
Me: Little A. had an accident in carline and S. clogged up the toilet this morning and left it that way. I’m adding Drano to the grocery list. [Expletive deleted.] <-- This translates as, “Too many bodily fluids!!!! Aaaagh!”
Big A: I’m sorry. You’re not supposed to put Drano down toilets. <-- This is SO not the point.
Me: Whatever. There has to be something. <--This translates as, “If you can’t be nice to me, leave me alone.”
Big A: I think you need a plunger or a plumber. <-- Still SOOOOO not the point.
Me: Besides, who says the Drano’s for the toilet? Maybe it’s for the clogged tub or the slow sink. Maybe I was going to drink it…. <--This is the part where not even “NOTHing” cuts it, especially in light of two related “Honey Do” items left undone. I’m making references to Heathers—or possibly Adventures in Babysitting—for crying out loud! And what IS it with 80s movies and using cleaning products as murder weapons anyway?
So, yes, a little later, after I cleaned it all up and picked up S. from the bus stop, I spent ten minutes trying to decide if I wanted coffee or beer. I picked coffee, in case you’re wondering. And not spiked with Drano, either.
I want a raise.