Friday, January 20, 2012

Recipe for Morning Adrenalin

Experience Level: Best prepared by highly experienced parent with a morning routine timed to the second—a parent, who is also, therefore, generally worn down

Preparation Time: Advance preparation can take eight to ten years, but last-minute preparation takes mere minutes

In advance:
  • You  must have children and a pet, fully equipped for mayhem
  • Send other parent on business trip
  • Make sure parent at home is sleep deprived
  • Have house in total disarray thanks to mold remediation
  • Turn on enormous air scrubber that drowns all sound
  • Close bedroom door to sleep
Immediately before serving:
  • Oversleep by half an hour (you will know it is done when the air noise masks the alarm, but not the fighting kids)
  • At this point, dressing must be accomplished quickly
  • When dog is whining to go out, but cannot be heard over air scrubber,
  • Open bedroom door; trip over dog
  • Turn on computer for light (light switch will be behind mold barrier)
  • Quickly assemble: leash, jacket, shoes, then add poop bags

You will know you are finished when you spot an eight-inch-long, dark, bumpy object on the living room rug.

That’s all it takes--enjoy your morning shot of adrenalin!

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